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Jenna Laine, ESPN Staff Writer
TAMPA, Fla. — At first, there was resistance to putting up Christmas decorations in Tampa Bay Buccaneers outside linebacker Shaquil Barrett‘s home. His wife, Jordanna, didn’t feel like celebrating. And his 31st birthday last month was particularly difficult.
But Shaquil Jr., 11, insisted, so the Barrett family began decorating. And maybe their daughter Aaliyah’s newfound connection to angels had a hand in it, too.
It’s been nearly eight months since the Barretts’ 2-year-old daughter, Arrayah, drowned in the family’s pool. Eight months of missed bubble baths, pink tutus, bedtime stories — “Ten Little Night Stars” was her favorite — and her infectious laugh.
For a fleeting moment last weekend while Barrett slept in an Appleton, Wisconsin, hotel room the night before the Bucs took on the Green Bay Packers, he had what he so desperately longed for.
“I actually had a dream about her last night,” Barrett said after the Bucs’ 34-20 victory. “She was being silly. I picked her up, tried to give her a kiss. She kept spitting in my face. It was funny, though, making one of her little faces that she makes.”
The way her little nose crinkled when she smiled mischievously — it felt so real to Barrett. The emptiness and the unrelenting grief he has carried for months were gone — albeit temporarily.
And it gave him a spark on game day. So with 4:28 left Sunday on fourth-and-10 from the Tampa Bay 34-yard line, Barrett burst into the backfield, converged with teammate Lavonte David and took down Packers quarterback Jordan Love for a sack while stripping him of the ball. Defensive lineman Logan Hall then pounced on it, sealing the win.
Every day that week, pass game coordinator/inside linebackers coach Larry Foote had reminded Barrett, “Remember what happened the last time we were up in Green Bay?” In that game, the 2020 NFC Championship Game, Barrett’s three sacks helped propel the Bucs to a Super Bowl.
“It felt good,” Barrett said of Sunday’s performance. “To be actually able to make the right play at the right time, it’s just nice. And it’s been a minute too since I’ve be in on a sack. It just felt good. It’s just a good feeling. I miss that feeling. … It wasn’t as good of a day as that, but as long as we win, and I still got to touch the quarterback … it was a great day.”
Coincidentally, 1,400 miles away back home in Tampa, Jordanna had dreamed of their baby girl not once but twice. The two were in disbelief when they talked.
“I had one dream,” Barrett said. “I was jealous a little bit. She had two. But no, it was amazing. I enjoyed that little time I had with her in a dream. … It was a good morning. A real good morning. And a good day, since we won.”
SO MUCH HAS CHANGED since their family’s last Christmas, when Barrett was hobbled by a torn Achilles that he called “one of his greatest blessings,” as it gave him more time with Arrayah.
Jordanna is pregnant with a daughter, Allanah Ray, and is due in February. She has done her best to make their children’s lives as close to normal as possible, throwing them a glow party on Halloween, having her parents and sister in town for Thanksgiving, and pushing through with Christmas decorations.
Shaquil Jr. finished his first season of tackle football. His dad, along with Foote — whose son, Trammell, was also on the team — served as volunteer coaches.
“I say he need to be a little more tougher on the kids. He’s a big softie,” Foote joked, calling Barrett a “big kid” before taking a more somber tone.
Foote got to know Arrayah well before she died, calling April 30 “one of the worst days of my life.”
“We only can imagine something like that [happening],” Foote said. “But I think [coaching] helped him get through it. And then lean[ing] on the community around them. … Everybody loved on them. You just want to love on him.
“Everybody loves Shaq. Shaq’s one of them guys you’re going to gravitate to. He’s such a good-hearted dude.”
Barrett’s younger son, Braylon, who is 10, is active in taekwondo. He beamed proudly as he took home two third-place trophies in his first tournament last month. And Aaliyah, 8, has stopped dance lessons and joined him.
Aaliyah was an angel for Halloween, with iridescent rhinestones on her cheeks and above her eyes and a white crushed velvet dress with gold trim.
“She wanted to be an angel because she said her sister is in heaven and she’s an angel, so she wanted to be like her sister,” Barrett said.
“They feel so comfortable because they know she’s up in heaven,” he added.
SUNDAYS ARE THE TOUGHEST; it was the day of the week that Arrayah died.
“I usually struggle on Sundays,” said Barrett, who finds a calming feeling by listening to worship music to remind himself of his faith when he’s down.
At one point, leading up to the Bucs’ season-opening win at the Minnesota Vikings, the tears were uncontrollable. He called Jordanna. The coaching staff checked in. It eventually passed, with Barrett crediting the power of prayer.
He notched a pick-six the next week — the first of his career — to seal a 27-17 victory over the Chicago Bears. He dedicated the moment to Arrayah, blowing a kiss up at the sky. And then in Weeks 13 and 14, he honored her with the words “Arrayah Hope Inc.,” a foundation he and Jordanna started to provide free swim lessons and promote pool safety, on his shoes as part of the #MyCauseMyCleats initiative.
“Heart and courage. … What an example,” Foote said. “We are learning from him.”
Barrett’s hoping to take that spirit and momentum down the stretch as the Bucs are in the midst of a playoff run. The Bucs (7-7) sit in first place in the NFC South, just a half-game in front of the New Orleans Saints (7-8).
His story inspires those inside the locker room with him.
“He’s a really good dad,” outside linebacker Anthony Nelson said. “You can see the joy on their faces when he walks in a room. You can see how he gives them everything. Like when he’s in the building, he gives football everything. It’s the same thing at home with him and his wife and then his kids. And he’s a great person and a great person to look up to.”
But Barrett’s most courageous act might be following his children’s lead as he navigates through his grief. Up until two weeks ago, he struggled to talk to Arrayah when he felt the most vulnerable.
“I always talked to her. Just in the moments where I was struggling the most is when I didn’t,” Barrett said. “I usually tell the kids, ‘Yeah, she always here with us.’ But then I was like, ‘I do tell ’em this all the time, but I don’t, like, believe it myself.’
“I had to actually believe it. … And then I started actually believing it and knowing that she’s always around, and that helped a little bit.”
Arrayah’s presence is reflected in a new ornament the Barretts added to their collection: a picture of her from her birthday printed in black and white on a heart-shaped cut of glass that dangles from a shiny red ribbon.
“That’s my new piece. … My new favorite,” Barrett said. “I just got it for my wife for Christmas, but I gave it to her earlier so we could put it on the tree.”
But, a week out from Christmas, they hadn’t put it up yet.
“We got three trees, so my wife decorated the other two trees, but we ain’t decorate the big, big one yet, but we got to do it now,” Barrett said. “My daughter said, ‘Six days until Christmas and the tree’s not decorated yet, so we got to.'”
What they would give to see Arrayah in her Christmas onesie, opening presents with her siblings, or to go back to eating pizza at the trampoline park and blowing out the candles on her “Baby Shark” birthday cake.
Barrett has tucked those moments into a special place in his heart. They all have. And for those experiencing Christmas while coping with the loss of a loved one, Barrett has a message.
“There’s no advice that somebody could give you,” Barrett said. “It is just lean on each other and just, whenever you’re feeling something, just talk to somebody about it — one of your closest [friends], spouse, family, somebody — just talk to somebody.”
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